As I find myself further along in my journey, and closer to a place of self-awareness, I am finding assignments everywhere. Perhaps they were there all along, however I was nowhere near this place of clarity to appreciate them for what they were.
Just as a teacher grows more confident in the lessons as they teach, I become stronger in my journey as I assist. My compassion is heightened and I understand the assignments for the lesson they offer. I had no idea the teacher I could become - and definitely not the class I would be teaching. The Universe is out to get ya! It is like a tough father who wants you to succeed, but wants you to appreciate the growth that comes from the blood, sweat and tears. So instead of complaining that your life is so hard, take a deep breath and say thank you, for your life is about to get that much richer.
For so long I was in "need" mode. I didn't want to be, but apparently asking for and accepting help is actually ok. It's a lesson I'm still working on, and I'm at about a C+. Anyways, I feel I have graduated from need to assist. By lending my ear, shoulder and words, I have gained powerful insight to my own dilemmas, and more often than not, I am amazed by the words that come out of my mouth. My Ing takes over and all of a sudden I sound brilliant! I guess I should give myself more credit, however I get taken by surprise when these new thoughts and ideas come at just the right time.
I can tell I am being challenged to put my knowledge, compassion and experience to the test. The best advice I give myself on a daily basis is more of a reminder: It's not supposed to be easy. If it's difficult, then I'm on the right track. Diligence is key. Just. Keep. Going.
This was written on April 27th, 2017. I had such a surge of creativity and flow, and I was writing constantly. I would email myself at all hours of the day and night with ideas and sometimes a perfect full blog would pour out of me on the first try.
But something detrimental began to happen. I created a library of my writings and photos that are still collecting cyber dust to this day. My inner critic would bounce into the picture, telling me to just save them for another day, that people won’t really like them and who am I to even write such things. I have no credibility and no valid reason why others should listen to me.
Perhaps at the time, those lies held some truth. Who was I to say such things? I had just begun the mere idea of my blog, and was still plagued with the never-ending fear of where to start or what to do next. I was stopped by a wall of doubt - a wall that was self-made.
And as I write those words, I have an epiphany, whatever I create, I also hold the power to destroy. This wall of doubt is self-inflicted and it is time I realized that I can also fight back.
I was always taught that back talk was the ultimate crime. In fact, I was grounded and punished numerous times for talking back. This created a very peace-keeping mentality. I came to know talking back, AKA standing up for myself, was bad, that it would be met with dislike and discipline. And who likes that? I wanted nothing more than to be accepted, loved and liked, therefore, I would carry on by never standing up for myself, appeasing everyone around me and allowing anyone else to have the final say.
At this point in my life, I have begun facing all of my self-inflicted truths head-on. I am addressing them with curiosity and the intent to search and destroy any self-proclaimed “truths” which carry harm to my growth, my relationships and my ability to shine. I am taking a sledgehammer to my wall of doubt and intentionally knocking out each brick.
Mind you, this is not a quick and easy demo day. These bricks are cemented in with such weight. Years and years of knowing these bricks to be my protection makes knocking them out painful. It feels as though I am destroying a piece of myself. All of these bricks have held what I knew to be true - “I am a burden”, “I am never good enough”, “I need to be pretty but not too pretty so that I can have brains too”, “I am in charge of keeping the peace”, “I always need to have something new to talk about otherwise I am no longer valid”, “I need to be skinny to be loved”, “always put others’ needs before your own”, “Everyone else’s needs are more important than my own”, “I can never talk back”, “speaking up for myself comes with very uncomfortable consequences”, the bricks go on and on, deeper and deeper.
I also have a wall of strength carrying all the beautiful things I also know to be true about myself. I will admit, a lot of these truths are new, and I’m just now coming to know they can be true without an explanation or the need to back them up with guilt. These are weaved and intertwined with love and resilience. Instead of heavy cement, these truths are held together like a strong web which can bend and flex with every hit, making them impossible to tear down, versus the cement that can crumble if hit hard enough.
The two different walls cannot knock each other down. Only I can do that. I can climb my web of strength, sleep in it, carry it with me, swing it in defense or hide behind it for protection. My wall of doubt is heavy, cold and unforgiving. I can either hide behind it or allow it to stand in my way. For all these years, I never knew I had the strength inside me to knock it down. One brick, one lie. at. a. time.