As I felt my engine revving for the next emotional hurt, I caught myself beginning to go to that place I have been preaching to stay away from. To never ask why, go into victim mode, to look outwards instead of bringing the focus inward towards accountability.
Now that I am somewhat out of the trenches in regards to my disability, having found incredible peace and purpose through what I thought was going to be life-shattering, I realized I have lost touch of the pains I felt while I still lost in it. The darkness that consumed me day and night, despite the light I felt obligated to spread. I searched for any ounce of light I could find, and often faked it purely out of the pressure I put on myself.
So I went back and read the journal I used in my first year of the accident, and interestingly wrote in whenever I was feeling down - like I subconsciously decided to keep all of my hurts together. I will often jump around from journal to journal depending on my mood. I can see how much negativity I relate to my injury by subsequently using the same journal for all of my difficult days.
As I read, I was overwhelmed by the intense sadness and hopes of suicide. In one passage, I wrote:
The tears didn’t stop. They poured down my face in a never-ending stream. I imagined my death. I felt so low and wanted it all to end. I had woken up to a bowel blowout. Luckily I was wearing depends because of my ongoing loss of bladder control due to UTI’s. However that didn’t stop the mess from my bed, to the toilet seat, to my shower chair. The transfer from my toilet seat to my shower chair was impossible and it took me forever to transfer because my legs kept getting stuck and I just couldn’t get my body to move over.
I would stop in between and imagine my death. I wanted to die. I thought of how hard I would have to throw myself down on the tile to cause my head to crack open. Or just grabbing my razor and slicing my wrists… Then I thought of the people at the morgue prepping my body and face. I better not ruin my face so there could be an open casket.
Then I thought of my friends and family one by one at the funeral - my mom in an uncontrollable sob, being held by Sean who was almost screaming in agony, the girls all holding each other - tissues being passed around to wipe the tears.
I can’t kill myself. I have to keep going. I have to make everyone proud. I can’t cause them anymore sorrow. I prayed, “God give me something - anything! I promise to not use your name in vain anymore. Please, please give me something!”
I stared at my big toe - Please Move! I can’t do this anymore. I don’t want to. I want my old life back. Adri says, “Everything happens for a reason”. I asked her what was my reason. She said she doesn’t know yet, but there is definitely a reason.
I find it so interesting that I couldn’t kill myself because I didn’t want to burden my loved ones any more, and I also had to keep going to make them proud. My focus and motivation was so external through the pain. I’m so grateful I wrote honestly in my journals for the opportunity to look back at where I was in my emotional journey. My heart aches for that girl transferring from the toilet seat to the shower chair. I can clearly recall that struggle.
I keep getting this vision of things I want to create, such as journals, books, skin and health products, and through each vision, I see a black and white dark version alongside a bright white and yellow/gold version. Sort of the yin and yang of life. With every low low, comes an even higher high. When we begin to swing the pendulum, it cannot go far to one side, without going just as far or farther on the other side depending on its momentum.
I’ve said it before, but I really do want my life to be good enough to make into a movie, and you simply cannot have a great movie, without the lead role experiencing extreme situations and feelings - be they happy and sad, broken and rising, living and dying.
Continuing to read my journal, I came across a short passage alone on one page:
Don’t let life pass you by because you are waiting for something else to happen.
Words from Toby my psychologist at Craig told me when I said I was so scared to accept my wheelchair because I thought if I did, then I’d never walk again.
I’m having weird emotions of disbelief, frustration and disappointment in myself. I am currently reading the book that I was supposed to write. It’s as though some of the pages came out of my own head, and I’m trying really hard to trust in my own path. The book is Girl, Wash Your Face by Rachel Hollis. She gives the ugly and the bright side; the lie with the lesson. I talk a lot about crushing our own internal lies and how they will dictate our life unless we become aware of them and crush them.
So I sit with my disbelief, frustration and disappointment. I allow myself to feel those very valid feelings and let out some tears - and a few screams while alone in the car. I remind myself that is totally ok and that is totally acceptable.
Then, I write my heart out in my journal and give myself a pep talk. I hope it brings light to you as well.
There is a reason you are not that author. There are lessons still to be learned and experiences to be had before you are ready to write a book. This is pure motivation - Use it! This is a wake up call to put fear aside and truly pour all you have into your goals. And the first step is to write out those goals. Get clear. You used to just want to be well known for your message. That serves no one. It is now about serving a community - a tribe of women who want to crush their lies and find their glow. It is for the girl who doesn’t believe she can, so she won’t. It is for the girl who believes she can, but is stopped by fear. It is for the girl inside of you who still resists due to fear of doing it alone, doing it the wrong way or making a wrong decision which will shatter her life all over again. Through the shatter comes the scars, through the scars comes new strength and protection around what was once broken. Through that strength comes credibility to serve others. Now serve Sarah. Share your strength, and do not be afraid to fail, for if you do, it is simply an opportunity to get stronger and redirect you in your path.